What time’s wine o’clock Mr. Wolf?

As soon as the kids are in bed?

As soon as you get in from work?

First thing in the morning if there’s some left over in the bottle from the night before.

Well, it is 6pm somewhere in the world.

White wine with chicken or fish,

Red wine with red meat.

Both with either

Or neither

On an empty stomach

Instead of food.

One glass

One bottle

It’s too late to eat now.

The thought of it turns my stomach.

Oh mirror, mirror on the wall,

Who is the fairest of them all?

Come here my pretty and taste this full-blooded red,

Drink me until oblivion summons you to bed.

It’s left its mark and tell-tale signs:

Blackened tongue, inside all dark

Furrowed brow and deep-set lines.

Vampiric teeth

Bitter, brooding clouds gather underneath.

Insidious poison coursing through my veins,

In my mind and in my heart it rains.

She huffs

She puffs

And she blows your house down…

To the ground,

Destruction all around.

Who’s afraid of the white wine witch?

I am.

She stares, she glares

She scowls, she growls

She scares

She prowls, she howls

In pain

She disembowels.

My what big eyes you have!

All the better to keep an eye on you with

My, my what big ears you have!

All the better to hear what I want to hear with

And, oh my what big teeth you have!

All the better to bite your head off with!

She’s checked out,

A malevolent spirit has checked in,

Controlling her every move, her every word

Like a rag doll,

A puppet on a string.

Ding dong the wicked wolf wine witch is dead.

No longer will she hold dominion in my head.

I’m standing on the edge of the precipice

Staring into the abyss

Waiting to fall

Wanting to fall

To plunge into the darkness of eternal slumber

To get some respite from this incessant noise in my head.

The whooshing of the wind buffets me

Whispering taunts envelop me

Cries of anguish

My voice goes unheard

Unspoken

Swallowed up by the void.

I’m standing on the ledge

Inches from the edge

Too scared to look down

Intrigued all the same

What lies beneath?

Hidden in the shadows

How dark can dark become?

In the darkest recesses of the mind.

I am walking the edge of oblivion

Treading the fine line between adventure and misadventure

Fear and adrenalin pulsing in my blood.

I’m too far gone now, to turn back

Too committed

Too involved

Too invested

In this game of Russian Roulette

Spinning round and round

Between fun and torment.

One false move

One false step

And I’ll forever be true to you,

My love.

My obsession

My downfall

My ruin.

I fall in

From the rim

Drink up

Drain the dregs of my cup

I mistakenly believe I’ll find the answers down there

In the bottomless pit of emptiness

In the unfathomable depths

Of my depravity

In the hollow that grows and grows, and fills

The abysmal void inside.

I don’t understand why you do it.

Because it’s there.

It’s always there.

I do it because it’s everywhere.

Because everyone does it.

Because I can

Because I want to

Because

Because

Because.

Because we won.

Because we lost.

I’m celebrating.

I’m commiserating.

I’m joining in

I’m having fun

Because if I don’t I’m boring

Because if I don’t I won’t have anything to say.

Because it relaxes me.

It frees me

To be

Who you want me to be

Who I’m pretending to be

The Life and Soul of the Party.

I do it to fit in

And to stand apart

To go unnoticed

I do it to be seen

And heard.

Here I am.

Look at me

Do you see me?

Please turn away

And don’t look anymore.

I do it because it’s expected

I do it to be polite.

I do it because it’s rude to say no.

I do it because I can’t be bothered to say no

It’s not worth the fight.

Plus I’ve got a taste for it now

I do it

I do it

I do it

And then I do it some more.

One more for the road?

Why not? 

I do it to keep you company.

I do it to keep up.

I do it because I can hold my own

I do it to out-do you

I do it to prove myself stronger, more capable, better than the rest,

Able to handle more than the most hardened

Because I like a challenge

Because I like to compete

I like to win.

But in this, ultimately, I’ve lost.

I’m lost.

I do it to find myself.

I do it to escape.

I do it to get away.

I do it because it’s a rainy day.

I do it to cheer me up.

I do it because I want to scream and shout.

I do it because the sun’s out.

I do it because I’m bored.

I do it because I don’t know what else to do

How else to spend my time.

I do it because I’m awake

I do it because I’m up.

I do it because I’m down, depressed and have had enough.

Because I’m stressed

Because I’m annoyed

Because I’m worn out

And fed up.

I do it to help me sleep.

I do it to unwind

I do it to switch off.

I do it because I’m worried

Because I’m going out of my mind

About my health

My finances…

I do it because the future terrifies me

And the past haunts my every step.

I do it because I lost my job

Because I have a broken heart

Because I hate my job

Because I’m afraid to make a fresh start.

I do it because I failed

Time and time again

I do it because I really, well and truly messed everything up.

I do it because I feel guilty

Because I feel bad

Because I am ashamed of who I am and what I have become

I do it because I’m trying to work out where it all went wrong.

I do it because I don’t want to think or feel anything at all

Because I want to feel comfortably numb

Because I can’t handle my emotions.

These feelings, they freak me out.

I do it because I am in pain.

Because I am in turmoil

Because I am a tortured soul

I do it because I am unhappy

Painfully unhappy

Can’t you see that?

I do it because I am irrevocably, irreparably hurt.

And this is the only thing that takes my suffering away

Yet I know it is also the cause.

I do it because I’m an addict.

I do it because once I pop I can’t stop.

I do it because I can’t help myself

Because I need help, but am afraid to ask.

I do it because I’m frightened

I do it because I don’t want to do it

But I’m too far gone,

Down the well-trodden path

I do it because I don’t know who I am without it

And I’m too scared to find out.

Because it’s all I know now

Because it’s who I have become

Because it’s just me

Because I’m not you

Because I’m not like you

Moderate

Because I’ve got an unquenchable appetite and thirst.

I do it because I’m Hungry

Because I’m Angry,

Because I’m Lonely and

Tired.

HALT.

I do it because I don’t know how to stop.

I do it because I don’t want to stop.

Because I can’t stop.

Because I can’t cope

Or function without it anymore. 

I do it because I need it

And I need it more and more

I’m on auto-pilot

No longer in control

My monster must be fed

I do it because I’m obviously, clearly not right in the head.

I do it because you won’t listen

And you won’t shut up

I do it because you ignore me

And look at me with loathing and disgust

Contempt reflected back to me in your eyes.

I do it because I can’t stand to see your pity

Your condemnation

Your judgement

Your humiliation

Your shame

I do it because you make me feel small

Because I’m not good enough

Not worthy

Unlovable.

I do it because I love you

And hate you all the same

But I hate myself more.

I do it because I’m on my knees, begging, imploring

Please don’t leave me

Oh go on, walk out the door.

I do it because I just want to be left alone

Because I don’t want to have to answer your questions anymore.

Why does there have to be a reason?

When there’s always an excuse.

I do it for no reason at all

Not one you’d understand anyway

Not one I can put into words

I don’t know why I do it

I don’t want to do it

But I do

I do it because I can

I do it because I want to

I do it because it’s there.

It’s always there.

I do it because I can,

Because I want to

So there.

I just do it

Okay?

I do it because…

Oh,

Just because.

Wave

Goodbye to your old life

The one that caused you so much trouble and strife

That tossed you about

On an ocean of tears

That rocked your cradle to and fro

And lulled you to sleep.

Wave goodbye

To being High and

Dry is what I now must be

How hard is that when I’m surrounded on all sides by sea

Tempting and enticing me to dive right in

To saturated satiation.

A killer wave hits

And knocks me about

Galloping white hooves pummel me

Until I’m black and blue

Breaking my bones

Testing the last vestige of my resolve.

Sharks circle round

Tormenting me

Waiting to catch me off guard

When I hit a low

Waiting for me to slip up and fall over board

To capsize so they can feast on their prize

As the waves keep crashing down.

I can’t give up now.

I’ve got to keep fighting,

And battling on

Against the swell that tries with all its might to pull me back

Resisting the unbridled force that threatens to sweep me away and pull me under

To drag me down and engulf me

To submerge me

To subsume me

To the bottomed-out bliss of the ocean floor

To the eternal peace and serenity

Of a watery grave.

I’ve got to dig deep

And plunge in my oar

I’ve got to row against the current

Straining and struggling

Exhausted by the exertion of letting it go

With the flow.

It’s hard work trying to keep afloat

Keeping my head above water

Bobbing up and down

Thrown hither and thither

At the whim and mercy of my emotions

On a cruel and unforgiving sea.

I have to carry on

On this new course I’ve set

Guided by the will of determination

To the dawn of a new horizon.

I’ve got to ride it out

This storm will pass

The tide will turn

The dark skies will brighten.

Keep on surfing those waves

The tumultuous ebb and flow

These cravings that gnaw at my skull

Will come and go.

I’m all cried out

When will the tears stop?

They keep rolling and rolling and rolling,

And streaming 

And bucketing down.

An outraged torrent

A torrential tirade

Through which I must wade

To plumb the depths

Of my heartfelt emotion,

My devotion,

To things that cannot be.

The floodgates are open

The waterfall is crashing through

Breaking me apart

Into a thousand pieces

Splintering and shattering my soul,

The glass dam of my heart

The fine cut crystal

That fissures and fractures and fragments

And splits in two.

One part for me

Another for you. 

These beads of water

These rivulets that stain my face

And streak my cheeks

That sting and dry out my eyes

That block my nose,

I know that this is just the way it goes.

I need to let them out

I can’t keep them bottled up anymore.

Though it pains me

To cry

And cry again

I have to let them flow

I have to let them go

Into the river of tears

Where lay all my fears

And hopes

And dreams

Battered and bruised and broken

Among the shifting sands of time.

I’m a prisoner of my own misery and misfortune

I could’a

Should’a

Would’ve left

But I didn’t know how.

With wings clipped,

A bird cannot fly.

But it can be free

And soar and reach the sky

It can escape

By getting high.

I’ve trapped myself in this gilded cage

By putting up

Shutting up

By letting things slide

And glide on by,

Suffering this insufferable, intolerable tolerance

Of things I cannot abide.

From which I shied away

Day after day

As time went by

Because I was high.

It will utter words of love

That it knows are a lie

It will do anything,

Anything

So long as it can get high.

It can leave the self-imposed confines

Where its passion and lust for life

Will slowly wither and die

Because all it wants now is to get high.

Goodbye my fragile little bird,

Goodbye.

You pick, pick, pick, pick, pick away

At my sanity and self-esteem.

A vulture that feeds on my carcass

Gaining power, vitality and sustenance

From my ruination

Stripping me to the bone.

You dig your claws in

Like a lion

Sinking them deep and deeper still

Until I am immobile

And give up the fight

Too tired to hold on

Poof! Out goes my light.

You tear strips of flesh from me

A rabid hyena

Laughing and smiling and joking with the pack

About my demise.

You take pleasure,

You revel in it

It’s a source of great joy and amusement to you

Of much mirth and merriment.

A raucous celebration

At my expense.

The crocodile snaps

And clamps its jaws tight

Rolling me around and around and around

Not letting go

Not loosening its grip,

Until I am limp and lifeless

Until I have taken my last gasped breath,

A plaintive, exhausted sigh heaven bound

And I am no longer able to utter a sound.

You’re like a marauding herd of elephants

Stampeding, bulldozing me

Kicking me down

Trampling me into the ground

Grinding me into the dirt

You bet I’ll make this hurt.

A scorpion with a bitter, malicious sting in its tail

Your porcupine quills are up

Your snake venom is ready to be unleashed

You bite hard

You attack.

I have no strength,

No desire

No will

To fight back.

Let me recall my euphoria

Let me remember the good times

When I soared so high

I touched the sky,

The moon and the stars

Filled my hands

And glittered all around.

Let me take a trip down memory line

Walking hand in hand with you

My drug

My buddy

Oh happy days

Oh happy daze

But not confused

Clear

Lucid

Insightful

Filled with the awe and wonder of the universe

Understanding it all.

Let me relive the laughter, joy and happiness 

I sought

And which you brought

In abundance

To my table

When my cup runneth over

When I didn’t have a care in the world

And was free

To be me

And to connect with you

On such a deep and meaningful level.

Let me reminisce

About my trembling bliss

My ecstatic ecstasy

The earth shattering

Mind blowing beauty

Of self-satisfaction

In the cocoon of your warm and tender embrace

That makes me feel safe

And relaxed

And so at ease

Was this just a phallacy?

Oh yes, please

Let me recollect

How you made me feel

Oh so very real

And alive

And present

At one with the world

At peace.

Let me recapture that wonderful, magical moment

In time

Eternal and everlasting

Before I stumbled and faltered

Lost my footing and my way

Before I slid down

And slipped up

And fell in too deep

A wretched heap

Before my spectacular fall

From grace

Before I became a complete, total and utter waste of space

A pitiful, shameful, embarrassing disgrace.

Why won’t you let me experience that again

My old, my dear, my beloved friend?

What lies beneath?

A lot.

Hidden depths of emotion

Furiously paddling away

As the swan glides.

Something stirs beneath the surface

A shadow moving,

Looming large.

Resurfacing from the depths

Where no worldly light can get in

From 20,00 leagues under the sea

Where obsessive madness reigns

And clawing tentacles cling on tight

Sucking the life from the body,

Squeezing love from the heart

Choking back tears

Strangling words left unsaid

Smothering the mind

Crushing the head.

Something cries out from far beneath

The melancholy, haunting wail

Of the whale

I want to swallow me up.

It’ll be warm and dark inside

A sanctuary and safe haven

Where I can hide

Away from prying eyes

From recrimination,

Incredulation,

And pitiful looks.

Away from keenly feeling, the torturous guilt and shame

That may lead me to seek out the refuge of the seabed once again.

What lies beneath the surface?

The mass of the iceberg

And its unconscious urges and desires

Its pressing impulse to self-destruct,

But, above all,

To survive.

I chase you

And chase you

And chase you

Around and around

The merry go

Round

The bend

When will it end?

I follow you

Wherever you call

Down dark alleys

And up blind paths

I’m in your enthral

Pinned against the wall

In return for favours

Do you have no compassion at all?

I let you lead me

Into a stranger’s bed

I must be out of my head

I must have lost my mind

Well that is what I want to find

Why I find myself here

The promise of gear

Your gentle kiss

The sweet nothings 

The longings

You whisper in my ear

Find me

Find me

You will find me here

And we will be together again

My dear

You lead me a right old merry dance

I really don’t stand a chance

Such is your relentless

All-consuming

Intrusive

Invasive

Hold on me.

I am in your grip

Your grasp

I gasp

And inhale your intoxicating perfume

I’m hot on your tail

The trail of your beautiful scent

It’s heaven sent.

You lure me and tempt me

With your seductive and wily ways

You toy with me

You play with me

You toss me about

Back and forth

And up and down

You drag me out

In search of you

All over town.

I pursue you

I seek you out

I hunt you down

Dead-ends

And one-way streets

It’s a solitary track

As I want you

But you don’t want me back.

You beckon

And I follow

I heed the call

I have no choice at all

You have me by the scruff of the neck

Oh what the heck!

I cannot not give in to you

When you lift me up from feeling blue

When you bring me so much joy

And relief

And release

When you help me experience the peace

For which I long and yearn

When will I learn?

That what I seek is not without

It’s within

Until then you are the answer to my question

And I will follow you to the ends of the earth

And back again

I will follow you until the end of time.

I made a mistake

One I’ll regret for the rest of my life

Can we rewind?

Can we turn back the hands of time?

So that in an alternate reality I am now your wife.

I’d do anything

Anything

To change the past

So that we would last.

To relive that moment again

To hold my tongue

And let things be

So we still had a promising future together

You and me.

How are you?

I’m fine.

There are some who believe this stands for:

Fucked off. Insecure. Neurotic and Emotional.

Well maybe it’s code for:

Fuck off. I’m Not Engaging.

Or perhaps it means I’m

Frustrated. Irritated. Nonplus and Enraged

Flabbergasted, Incensed, Nihilistic and about to Explode

Flummoxed, Impudent, Narked and Enervated

Frightened. Ill at ease. Nervous and Edgy

Flustered, feeling Idiotic, Naked and Embarrassed

Fraught. Inconsolable. Not happy and Exasperated

Frazzled, Insolent, Nauseated and Empty.

Or even that I’m

Fragile, Inadequate, Needing Encouragement

A Fruitcake, an Insane mad woman who Needs Empathy

Because I’m feeling like

A Fraud, an Imposter, a Novice, Exposed

Flawed, Imperfect and Not Exciting

A Failure, Insignificant, and Never Enough.

Or maybe, just maybe what I actually mean when I say I’m fine, is that I’m

Fed up with your Inane, Non-sensical question. Enough already.

Why do you ask

When you don’t really want to know the answer?

When you don’t care about my response?

What’s wrong with being fine anyway?

I’m not good or bad

Not well or unwell.

I’m alright.

I’m ok.

I’m fine,

Thank you.

Just fine. 

You said I was too good to be true.

If I’m too good to be true, then that means I’m unreal

I’m an ideal

A figment of your imagination

I only exist inside your head.

I am your fantastical fixation

A mythical, magical, elusive beast

A goddess

An angel

The answer to your prayers.

You put me atop a pedestal

And worshipped at my throne

Exalted in my presence

No longer alone.

You found your other half,

The missing part

Of yourself.

For I am but an extension

Of your narcissistic intention.

Your invention

A reverberating echo

That reflects back to you

Your halcyon revelry

Of who you imagine yourself and me to be.

The perfect couple

Peas in a pod

One and the very same

A mirror image

An exact fit

A match made in heaven

Forged in the fiery furnaces of hell

Because you have no concept of me as a separate entity

That I have my own, unique identity

You’re clueless, you’re oblivious to where you end and I begin

This is a real-life nightmare I am trapped in.

Until your dream bubble is burst

The illusion is shattered

The veil is lifted from your eyes

You finally arise from your slumber and see

That I am not you

And you are not me.

Wax-wings burned, spurned you come plummeting and spiralling and crashing back down to earth

With a bump, a jolt and a start

I have broken your false heart

Illuminated your lie

You stagger, reel and fall

It’s an alarming wake-up call

A cacophony of bells ringing out

Chiming and chiding

Making it clear

That I am actually, really not in the least bit like you my dear

Do you hear?

Hello, I am here.

So now I am your nemesis

Your counter-productive counterpart

Your antagonistic antagonism

Your foil

How it makes your blood boil

That I am not the idolised image that you sculpted of me

The masterpiece you fashioned from clay

To uncover and discover that I am oh so perfectly flawed

In many different ways.

I’m not a Stepford Wife

I’m not here to serve you

To attend to your every need

To smile and nod and agree

And be at your beck and call

You really don’t like the reality of me much at all.

So you knock me off from where you sat me up on high

And put me down

As I don’t fit the mould you shaped for me.

Truth is,

I never did.

I’m sorry I hurt you

I’m sorry I lied

Please believe me

Trust me

I tried

I’m trying

I know

Your patience

It’s wearing thin

Like the ice I’m skating on with you.

Promises, promises

In false empty promises I’m a pro

I know

But please believe me

Please trust me

When I make them

I mean them

I believe them

For a brief fleeting moment in time

I’m just finding it hard to let go

Of the one true constant I have ever had

Who has been there for me through thick and thin

Who has consoled and comforted me time and time again

When you weren’t there

And were oblivious to the mess I was in.

I’m finding it hard to walk away and say goodbye

To my other love

To the one that got me high

The one who’s picked me up

And dragged me down

The one who’s driven me crazy

And sent me clear out of my mind

I’m struggling to turn my back

To leave my beloved behind

I know I’m not being kind to you

To have another with a firm, fixed place in my heart

From whom I’m having such a difficult time, a battle, a struggle trying to part

To sever the ties

To which I’m inextricably, inexplicably bound

Under whose thumb

And around whose finger I am ever so tightly wound.

Please forgive me

I don’t expect you to forget

The pain and suffering I’ve put you through

Because I am feeling it too

I know this is hard

That this is testing for you

Well, newsflash, it is really testing for me too

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life

That I’ve ever had to do

Harder than any exam or job interview

I’m having to work hard every day

Not to be led astray

By my tempting temptress

Whose life is so interwoven in mine

I’m having a hard time

Extricating myself

From my second skin

I’ve become so uncomfortable in

I am working harder than I have ever worked before

To keep myself from giving in

To seduction once more.

Please believe me

It is no easy task

All I ask is that you ease up

That you stop giving me such a hard time

That you give me chance

Can’t you see that what I’m going through here

Is the break-up of a lifelong romance

I will stumble, falter and fall along the way

But I’ll keep trying

And I’ll stop, one day

And somewhere further down the line you’ll eventually catch up

Still not being able to believe me or trust me for quite some time

Not being able to believe that it is for real

After this long, drawn out ordeal

Not being able to trust me quite the same

After this cat and mouse game

Remaining sceptical for a while

That this sordid chapter in my life is really done and dusted and over

It will take time

And patience on both our parts

If you have any left with me by then

I know it’s a really big ask.

What would my 14-year old self say

If I told her that one day

She would be an addict.

No way, not me

She’d look bemused

Surely I had her confused

With someone else

This can’t, this won’t happen to someone as bright, talented and gifted as me

Now let me see

This is not how it works

There is no rhyme or reason

No one universal law

You think that because you have it all and more

That fate won’t come knocking on your door

Oh you arrogant, misguided, naïve fool

There’s not one rule

For you

And them

It’s a level playing field

Addiction doesn’t discriminate

You’ll come to realise this far too late

But not too late to have your eyes opened wide

To discover that in each and every one of us

There is a potential addict lurking inside.

I have a 360 degree view

I see the truth of you

I see behind your back

Where the knife plunged in so deep

The hurts and slights you keep

Playing over and over in your mind

On pause

Repeat

And rewind.

I see you

I see through the sham

And the flim flam

The mask you wear

That you have so tightly gripped

It has slipped

And you are there

Bare

And beautiful to behold.

I see deep into your eyes

Into the depths of your soul

I see what no-one has ever seen or glimpsed before

Because you have been too frightened

You have put up a front

To protect yourself

You keep the dark bits hidden, guarded and locked up inside

Let them out

They deserve to see the light of day.

I see what I see

And that is all I can say.

I am a rabbit trapped in the headlights

I can’t see the wood for the trees

It’s all become such a tangled web of a mess and a blur

My mind is awash and a whirr

A swirl of thoughts

That I can’t straighten out

That I can’t make sense of

That I can’t sort through

There’s too many to hold inside

That they’re seeping out

They’re overwhelming me

A veritable deluge

That has become so huge

It’s threatening to sweep me away

You’ve overloaded me to the point I can’t cope

I can’t function any more

I’m a shell of my former self

A bundle of bones and frayed nerves

A wreck crashed up and broken on the shore

There’s nothing left inside

I’m empty

I feel like I’ve died

You’ve burned me out

You’ve snuffed out my light

The one that shined so bright

That was so excited and full of joy

To have found my dream job at last

The one that everything I had done in the past had led to

My hobby, my passion, my bliss

How could it reduce me to this?

You’ve pushed me to the brink

I can no longer think

Straight

Or concentrate

My thoughts are muddled and confused

They’re racing away

Like a deer

In fear for its life

I can’t sleep

I can’t eat

I can’t face another day

I feel sick

I feel nauseous

At the thought of going in to work

I’m becoming more and more ill every day

I’m slowly fading away

Buried under a pile of things to do

And emails to respond to

I am swamped

Drowning in a quagmire

My situation is that dire

That it is suffocating me

And I can’t come up for air

I can’t breathe

And I can’t take any leave

I have to just keep soldiering

And plodding on

Hoping

Kidding myself

That somehow I’ll manage

I’ll get through

I’ll get it all done

You piled it up

And heaped it on

You didn’t consult me or ask

You just gave me any old task

You didn’t want to do

Because I was clearly so competent and able

But now I’ve become unstable

I’m rocking and reeling

From yet another blow

But I’ve got nowhere else to go

I’m between a rock and a hard place

I have no room to manoeuvre

You’ve boxed me

Cornered me

And hemmed me in

To the point where I’m unravelling

Like a ball of string

I’m so taut

And wound up tight like a spring

A Jack-in-the-Box

I’m restless

I can’t focus

I can’t sit down

Or stay still

And now I’m frozen

I’m rooted to the spot

I am on the verge of collapse

I don’t think I can take or handle this anymore

I am exhausted

You’ve worn me down

And out

I am flat out for the count on the floor

I know you’re trying to push me out the door

I know you want me to go 

I’ve become so reliably unreliable

Such a liability

Isn’t it a pity

That someone who made such a promising start

Who had such capability and potential

Has fallen apart

So you make it untenable

You find my Achilles heel

The one that would prove the last straw that broke the camel’s back

You knew exactly the right button to push

And when push comes to shove

I’m gone

I resign myself to a cruel, cold, heartless fate

I had too much on my plate

More than anyone could bear

And you didn’t care

So I give up

I give in

I quit

You’ve won

I’m done.

I give and give and give

And you take and take and take

How it makes my heart ache

That you could not extend me the slightest kindness

A little bit of thought

Is that what you’ve been taught?

That to treat ‘em mean

Is to keep them keen

Well I’m going off you more and more every day

This is a one-sided game

Stacked in your favour 

That I no longer want to play

Why must I always pay?

My tank has run empty

I am struggling along on exhausted fumes

My generosity is wearing thin

I am no longer prepared to let you win

At my expense

When I lose out every time

I will not let you take advantage of me or use me anymore

To walk all over me

As you come in and go out of the door

I’m worn out

I’ve had enough

I am resentful

And bitter and aggrieved

I am way more than just a little bit peeved

As I pick up after you

And wait on you hand and foot

And pander to your every need

I know I have made a rod for my own back

Because I was so eager and keen to please

We are not cut from the same cloth

You and I

Where I would do anything for others, to care for them, to look out for them, to make sure they’re ok and see them on their way

You would staunchly, steadfastly disagree

Why help them

If you give them an inch

Then they’ll take a mile

They’ll take you for granted

You’ll be taken for a ride

Charity begins at home

You say

With a knowing tooth-filled smile

I give

And you take

Without giving anything in return

When will I learn

That there’s not a generous bone in your body

You are a mean spirited soul

It’s not in your nature to do things out of the goodness of your heart

When you act it’s always under the premise of what’s in it for me

You don’t give anything away freely

There’s always a cost involved

And I paid the price

I paid it dear

I made the sacrifice

For love

For you

My dear

Yes dear

No dear

Three bags full dear

Whatever you say

Is what I heard myself repeat over and over

Every day

Day after day

I’m told after we have parted ways that you’re a bit of a dick

Yes you were an arrogant big prick

I took in my mouth so many times

It wasn’t just an odd job

It was a full blown career

I was an expert in satisfying and pleasuring you

Ah, if only the reverse had been true

I can count on one hand

The times you went down on me

And you didn’t just leave it at that

You fucking miserable, selfish twat

It was a means to an end for you

You had to fill your boots 

And take your share of the spoils too

We struck a perfect imbalance

A disharmonious chord of harmony

A seemingly peaceful serendipity

Where I gave

And you took

As we danced a lopsided reel

Until I could no longer feel

Or give anything anymore

Because you’d taken far too much out of me

You’d taken everything you could from me

You squeezed from me every last little drop

You bled me out

And sucked me dry

Like a tsetse fly.

Drowning in a sea of emotions

Plunged to the depths of despair

It’s a place I didn’t want to go

I really, really didn’t want to go there

To touch my grief

The fragile, vulnerable part of me

I’d kept hidden and buried deep.

I didn’t want to go near the wound

I’d kept safely under lock and key in the inner sanctum of my heart

Barricaded in behind thick, impenetrable walls

In the fortress I’d built to keep it at bay

To keep it far, far away

From ever seeing the light of day.

It was far too tender to touch

It hurt that much

It was a scab I’d never picked

One I’d ignored

In the hope it would eventually fade away

Protected in its enclave

Enslaved in a prison of drink and drugs.

As more and more anguish and heartache got heaped on top

I fortified my castle

Adding yet another rampart

And now it is crumbling and caving in

It is falling apart

My weakened heart

And I am picking through the rubble and ruin of devastation

Of desolation in a wasteland where nothing could be nurtured or grow

Until I let my demons go.

Without the air that I breathed and inhaled to keep me afloat

Without the drink that I drank to keep my head above water

Treading water

In the shallows of the moat

Wave after wave have loosened my grip on the safety of the boat to which I clung on tight, with all my might

Pitting me against the darkness of the loneliness of a never-ending night

As I taste the bitter salty tears of my ocean.

A chasm has opened up

A rift that is tearing me apart

Threatening to plunder me asunder

But finally, at least, at last, it is a start

To the healing process that needs to begin

There is a chink in my armour now

A place where the light can find its way in.

It’s about numbing the pain

This game that we play

Rolling the die

To see where they’re cast

Getting some relief from this torture at last

Taking the edge off

Blurring the lines

That have been drawn in the sand

That stem the tide

And swell the flow

Until there’s nowhere else to go

But down

Into the hole we’ve dug

And dropped ourselves in

To escape the noise

And the baying din.

The sun is setting

It’s going down on me

It’s falling rapidly, slowly away

Saying goodbye to another day

Its warmth is leaving me

Left out in the cold

In the shadows

The doom and gloom

Of the in-between world

The twilight waiting room

Of limbo.

From where I sit

Here up on high

Among the birds

In the sky

Watching the clouds in their shapeless, formless form

Drift on by

I want to live

I want to die

Most of all, I just want to cry

I want this vicious cycle of night and day to stop

I want to get off

And put a pause

A break

A rift in time

So I can be fine

I want some respite

From the ticking clock

That charts the passage

Of wasted time

A resonant reminder

Of what I have not yet done

What I have failed and need to achieve

What I need to believe

For my life to be ok.

I want a new day to dawn

One where I can feel happy

Instead of sad

One in which I can be glad

And thankful and grateful

For the painful experiences I have had

Where they have not all been in vain

Where there is no shame

No regret

About what I did

Or haven’t done

I want the misery that lives in me to be gone

I want to cast it away

Pain, pain go away

I don’t want it to come back another day.

You think our relationship is toxic

I think you are

Let me rephrase that

I know that you are

What’s my poison?

It’s you

And it’s drink and drugs too

I thought you were gorgeous

I thought you were great

I thought I’d found my soul mate

That fate had brought us together

By happy, fortuitous chance

That look

That glance

A heady romance

What an evil trick

What a wicked blow

To uncover

That behind that shiny smooth, polished, rugged veneer

That there’s a sneer

That filled me with trepidation and fear

To discover

That you’re a complete, total and utter git

An absolute A1 piece of shit

Does that mean I am too

Because I fell so deeply for you?

You certainly treated me that way

Like I was something you stepped in

Something that was stuck to the bottom of your shoe

Seriously

How dare you!

When you have a beast that needs feeding

That keeps you locked up and chained inside

Trying to keep it a secret

Trying to run and hide

From the truth

That’s staring and glaring you in the face

That you’re always out of

Living in a separate, disjointed place

In an empty space

In your bubble

Out of reach

Out of touch

With reality

Losing your grip

And your sanity

It doesn’t care what it gets

Lager

Cider

Guinness

Wine

Whisky 

Vodka

Grappa

It really couldn’t care less

As long as it gets something

As long as it gets fed

As long as its appetite is sated

Its thirst is quenched

Drenched

Steeped

And soaked

As long as it gets you out of your head

That you dive and delve further into

For a while.

When you have a beast that needs feeding

You are its slave

You are at its behest

It doesn’t make a request

It demands

Feed me Seymour

Feed me!

That’s not enough

Gimme more!

Until you’re scrabbling around on the floor

Picking through the dust and the dirt

Searching for a crumb

Bingo!

Rifling through pockets

In the hope of finding a gift that’s fallen out

Hallelujah!

Searching for the odd few nub ends you haven’t smoked right down to the roach

Soaked and rotting in your outside ashtray

The soil

Drying them out

Heating them up

Taking them apart

This is a subject

A disgusting, filthy habit

You really don’t want to broach

Rooting through the bin

Trying to find a skin

With something left in

Amid the egg shells

You’ve walked on tentatively

The leftovers and detritus

Of yesterday’s life.

When you have a beast that needs feeding

It’s like a dog with a bone

Pick up the goddamn phone

I just can’t leave it alone

This scab

I have an itch and it needs to be scratched

Now!

It’s out of control

That you were once in

You’re still functioning

Just about

A caged tiger

With a mouse’s squeak for a roar

Pacing back and forth

Until you’re clawing at your skin

Why, oh why, oh why

Why on earth did I let you in?

All this hanging and waiting around

To score

I don’t want to go through this rigmarole anymore

I need it

And I need it now

I’m fed up of playing these crazy, stupid games

Hook me up already

Feed it intravenously into my veins

Just put me on a drip

So I have a constant supply.

What started off as a social animal

Keeps you shut away behind closed doors

With its long grasping paws

That hold you down by the shoulders

And throttle you around the neck

Of the bottles

Running empty and clear

The darling green, green buds of home

That glow

And pulse

And pull

With their magnetic draw

Ever closer and near

Up

Down

Up

Down

It’s constant and it’s tiring

My brain will need serious rewiring

To get this beast to stop

To throw this clinging monkey off my back

To become the organ grinder again

The master of my destiny

With a future I want to keep

That’s not bleak

That is not dogged by sleep

Walking through life

In a zombie daze

A purple haze

To run with the brave new wolves

Rather than sticking with the sheep-filled pack

Though painfully separated from the fold

Set apart from the flock

Dressed up in black.

I’m here for you

When you’re sad and lost and lonely and feeling blue

When all you want to do is stay in and hide

To shut the world outside

To close the door

To pound and pummel your fists into the floor

To scream and shout and rant and rage

Trapped in the confines of a white noise cage

When you want to curl up in a ball and cry

Oh why, oh why, oh why, oh why!

I’m here for you

Because I’ve been there too

I know your grief and your pain

I’ve been there time and time again

When you don’t want to get out of bed

When all you want to do is pull the covers close over your head

To sleep the ache and the suffering away

When you can’t face another day

With the curtains drawn tight

Living in the perpetual darkness of night.

I’m here for you

I hope you know that too

That when you’re not okay

When you want everyone just to go away

To leave you be

I’ve been there too you see

So please know that whatever the time of day

Or night

When you’re not alright

When you’re in a dark place

An in between space

Far from the light

That I’m here for you

Please don’t feel you’re all alone

I’m here for you

Always,

At the end of the phone.